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| Hello all,
It's been years since I've posted, and man this site's accessibility has really gone down the tubes. Take this web blog entryfor example. It use to be semple, just bat around til you found the main edit field and then type. Now, you have to tab throlugh abunch of stupid shit just to get it to work. So what has been going on with me for the last two years? Nothing of huyge emportence I guess, mainly I've made it to my third year of college and will be starting my bachlors degree soon. I turned 20 this last feb, no supprise I guess. I'm on anti depressents now, seem to help some I guess. I've just been playing around with different operating systems and screen readers, the usual stuff. I'm becoming less ande less motivated every semester. Barely make it through java last time, gonna try to do better this time. For all you myspace junkiesw outthere, that site is horrible when it comes to access. I just can't get into the whole social networking concept, your not really talking so what's the point? I'm on myspace and facebook, my myspace is www.myspace.com/archenemy6661. I don't know how facebooks urls are, just do a search for mike.reiser@okstate.edu. I guess that's all I have for right now, I'll post again when I can drag my self to do it smiles.
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| Hello? Is anyone out there? Is there yet one person who is watching this book? I was just reading over some of my past postings to this diary. Some of them were a bit humorous, some of them I still share as my views today. Of course half the things I wrote in my more violent entries I didn’t mean. I don’t really have a central focus for this entry this evening, so I’ll just say what I feel as I feel it and we will see where this goes. First I would like to share with everyone my MySpace address. There’s a picture up there I haven’t blogged yet. Wonder if anyone knows if there’s anyway to import stuff from like xanga to it? I’d like to have my posts there and start from that point. The MySpace site is horrible when it comes to accessibility. From the signup page you can tell where there priorities lie. You have to inter a word that is shown in a picture which of course modern screen readers cannot see. I’m afraid that blind people will be left behind if this is allowed to continue. Finally after you finish with that dreadful sign up page you can use most of the site. Most of the links are labeled correctly. Isn’t anyone else sick of the music that is on every MySpace page? How is anyone able to concentrate with the crap these emo idiots put on there pages? It’s either wrap that is of course the fake sell out shit they enjoy spitting out of the machine or it’s this whiney pussy want to be metal or fake emo crap that seems to pervade society as of late. Suddenly it’s cool to whine and bitch about all your shitty problems and where depression as an image. Oh and to top it off, these morons dress Goth thus giving the culture the bad rep that we’ve seen over the past few years. These are the same humanoids that kill people and cause everyone to blame the Goth community cause some idiotic zombie high on whatever snapped. I might move to Germany or Canada, we’d have less media fear mongering and I could get weed legally! Lol. I’ve pretty much turned off the news, the democrats and Republicans say the same crap every week and it’s getting boring hearing the same arguments from both sides. I certainly hope someone makes up their minds and finally at least give us some idea as to when we’re pulling out of Iraq? Sorry Mr. Bush your going to have to give me a better reason besides “It will bring dire consequences to us if we leave” bullshit. It is very hilarious to me that females exhibit the same behavior that they accuse us of exhibiting. I think I’ve experienced every kind of hurt that girls complain about receiving from us. So lately when someone is whining to me about how bad we are I’m like “I don’t want to hear it, I’ve experienced the same crap from you people.” I just think the whole thing is quite laughable. Let me just say this semester has been very tough so far. Depression has been a constant struggle and comp2 has really been kicking my ass. I’m only on my first essay and I’m struggling. The teachers’ been working with me but I hate to think what the others will be like. Right now I’m working on a comparison and contrast essay. I’m comparing JFW and window-eyes. With out going into details, it sucks. I’ve got a new roommate this semester named Jeremiah, he’s pretty cool, he’s just going through a divorce and is already seeing someone which I consider quite odd but whatever floats his boat I guess. Timmy’s gone, that’s fine with me, just hope he gives me back my thumb drive. I promise I’ll write more, I’ve just been a bit busy of late. I hope this entry reaches someone, haven’t heard from anyone in months. Everyone have a fabulous gothic evening I hope. And so the wheel turns again. | | |
| She has been snatched from me. It wasn't enough, she wasn't ready. Now once again I am single, all alone. My search for whoever will be my love continues. It's been too long since I've held someone, two many months and years to count. Again I sit here in the cool night air, the wind on my face. Currently reading the wheel of time series by Robert Jordon, it's very good just wish he'd give more background material. Those that I want deny me! The fools, they do not know what they are missing, no one has the balls. But I guess the wheel turns as the wheel wills and there is nothing that can change that, everything is apart of the patern. Come to me my love, whoever you are, I am waiting. Happy birthday to me I guess, it was yesterday, oh well. Not the most exciting one but what can you expect being cooped up in the middle of nowhere in a shitty ass town. I'm ready to be out of this school, I want some place with more things to do. Sure hope at least that something will turn in my favor again. I have little to write this evening, little of any prophetic interest. Should I return to my book world and conceal the hurts? Outside no one comes. The air is heavy and silent. Too many damned rednecks, more sighted pricks! They all come asking if I need anything, asking me if I need help. Is that all there is for them? Will they not come click with me like they do each other? Isn't it odd that a sighted person can go up to another sighted person and strike up a discussion when they barely know them? What is the difference! I've heard the fucking explanations, what does that mean for me? What more can I do!I do what I can to act normal it's never enough! I'm quiet and shy but that shouldn't matter! I understand it's hard for them but they don't even try! Will this flame not sprout eather? And now they wonder why I'm a hermit, a reckloose. How easy it is to hide, knowing that if I step out I will get nothing. And they say, "Just go say hi and introduce your self!" Like they know what it's like. I do this of course and then what? They leave or talk to there buddies and I get nothing! Again I must turn to Christians for my comfort, what a joke, a laugh, something out of a comic strip. Of course they're just like the others but there are a few that take the chance. Anybody want to come up? Do you have the balls? I didn't think so. An ungreatfull synic some might say, and maybe I am, but I do not consider my self as such. I help anyone that needs it, even though I'm used that way. I will make it god dam it all, I will! And we'll see who has the last laugh in the end, who survives the battles in the end. Come those of you that are curious, and let me show you something from a different side. Perhaps I can make someone see. Now I will ponder, perhaps I'll go back outsie and sit for a bit, maybe a revelation will come to me, then again, maybe not. | | |
| It has been long since I have updated this chronical, as always I fear that I am writing to no one. But just in case someone is reading this, I will update further. After long months of searching I finally have a girlfriend. Her name is Sarah. She is very beautiful. I love her so much, how my heart aches to hear the words back. The silence that greets me when I say it weighs on me, the pain shoots through my heart, however I will not flinchor turn away. She told me she loved me the other day in spanish, that is good progress. Oh my lovely one, how I can not wait to take you in my arms and kiss you and keep you safe. How it grieves me that I am cooped up here in this room and you are so far away. I rejoyce that we speak on the phone, for we will not let anyone extinguish this, including them! We will fight on together, I am a warrior and I and you will not fall! The schooling is going well. I am alone most of the time and when I'm in any gathering I keep quiet. They thought I wouldn't make it, they said I wouldn't finish the first semester but I did it! My anger drives me forward and I will not turn away from my quest. The assemblys of god church here is small, I do not go there much. I huddle here in this dark world, venturing outside to sit and ponder it all. No more words from mpact, I expected as much, I have passed like a shadow and I will soon be forgotten though I grieve much for what I feel was lost. I can not have it back no matter how hard I try to get it. And thus my quest for answers continues, though I seek outside the book. It is a book of riddles and chryptic texts and interpretations, therefore I will not use it. If the great deeity wishes to speak I am waiting. What will my final desteny be? That of course is unknown. And of course I am curious to see what is beyond death's door, for that is the greatest of all quests. None have returned from that journey, and I eagerly await it. The first leg of my journey is just beginning and I shal make the most of it. With the chrimson tears of my soul I will fight bravely, with my love at my side I can not fail. The demons still lurk within, the panic attacks still come. I'm able to fight them but they are no less terrifying. Sitting here in this dark warm room as I write, I will continue to think about these issues. Now I must make an end and wrest for the time and forget the pain for awhile. Perhaps tomorrow I will find a clue. And thuss the wheel turns again. | | |
| It is a low point right now. I finished that paper and got a 90. I've been battleing panic attacks in fact I'm sort of batteling one as I write. A strong fear persists that I'm going to be stawcked or kidnapped by some sexual predditor. Every sound is makeing me jump with fright. It is dark right now in this room. The fear is heavy right now. I'm trying to make it go away. Images from the past keep flooding in. My stomach is flopping. I am very lonely, people are hesitant about talking. I am looking for that special goth, someone who shares my interests in the gothic arts and in the metal and fantasy realms. The fear disipates some but it is still here. I have another paper to finish, I'm very discouraged. This isn't going as I had planned. I am constantly afraid I'm going to fail, even though I'm working not to. I will try and battle on, I must not fall! I will find those goths that I've been seeking for a long time. Surely I'm not the only one. This fear is more then I can take, my God! For once that this night would end. Now would be a good time for someone to hold me tight. She must be out there somewhere. I am sorry about the long delay, I will try and not let this happen again. I hope someone will read this. I will try and comment on everyone's sites if I can as I said in my last post. I am sorry about the confusing rant of this one but allot of stuff is happening inside me as I write and I feel I must put it down in this chronical. Some more lyrics will follow. While stars outspread the night-time watch and wind through darkened treetops swirl; I slowly bow my frozen features in grief, in sadness and in woe... in grief, in sadness and in woe. In solitude forever! Forever I see, forever I hear, foreverI smell, forever I taste and forever I feel the solitude... No voice (no voice), no hand (no hand) of human source can reach me (reach me) in this place... though fallen (fallen) figures (figures) closely passes and invites me (invites me) into somber dance... this somber dance! Cold and desolate my soul turns grey, (and) alone I witness the neverending day. My wasted dreams lie silent and dead within this darkened tears I shed... this darkened tears I shed. In solitude forever! So lonely I stand on this tortured cliff hearing distant cosmic echoes calling; beckons me to decline this withered beauty and leave this lie to greet the night... the night without an end. The solitude... This solitary life... Maybe I should just end it all... Yes, I should just end it all! And thus the wheel turns again. | | |
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